wanderlust

Tag: raw thoughts

Perspective

by thegoldparachute

Because it’s a saturday morning, I’ve taken the liberty to spend some good time alone today (to attempt to finish up the insane amount of undone work that’s giving me a hell lot of stress).

So I’m sitting alone at a Starbucks outlet that’s too dimly lit for its own good, listening to Les Miserables, typing on my Macbook while trying to curb a very slight feeling of nausea. Feeling extremely fat in my jeans today as well.

This journal’s probably excessively overwhelmed with too much angst & melancholy, but like yeah, who has time to be moaning on online posts when they’re having the time of their lives right.

Within the past half an hour, I’ve felt that sudden urge to start crying and tearing for no rhyme or reason. I’ve been trying to console my friends who have their own monsters to fight, and sometimes I feel really sad that there’s too impossibly much to face in life. I know everyone has different thresholds for hardships and pain, but sometimes I feel like there really is no one I can relate to. Within the past 3 months, I’ve had my father disappear from my life forever, done an operation for the first time in my life, felt extremely worthless, faced multiple domestic issues and problems, and everyday I’m constantly feeling unloved and things like that. I don’t want to be pathetic, I hate to be pathetic, and I don’t tell any of my friends this because I believe I can fight all these away myself. If you don’t help yourself, nobody’s gonna be able to fucking help you because you are your own soldier, your own enemy, your own balm and your own poison.

There may be storms we cannot weather in our glorious lives as humans, but we can take comfort if we know we have tried our best.

I don’t know where my life is heading & these days, I’m unable to control myself emotionally and stop myself from being horribly distracted. It feels like I can’t pick myself up anymore – my table’s messy, my academic life in a mess currently, and I feel so ugly.

How are you capable of loving someone else if you are unable to love yourself?

Pain

by thegoldparachute

The amount of crap and curves life has thrown me these past 3 months is almost more than anything else I’ve ever experienced all my life.

God grant me strength.

My wound hurts so fucking badly right now.

The amount of work left undone since I spent yesterday on the op and today resting is too fucking much.

:'(

Grant me strength, love, and inner peace

DETERMINATION

by thegoldparachute

OKAY, NO MORE MOPING. NO MORE YEARNING. NO MORE STAYING BEHIND EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE ELSE.

Even though I’m lagging behind in my studies and have an uncompleted assignment due tomorrow, I will get my ass down to the gym today to run, and then I will bathe, and go out to have lunch, settle my assignment, and then carry on with my group meeting at Sentosa. 

You can do this, you can do this, you can do this

Gotta have faith in myself, in my own self-discipline, in my capabilities. 

LET’S GO

Yearn

by thegoldparachute

He’s all things bad for me, but I want him so bad. Why don’t I always get what I want :(

Lost

by thegoldparachute

Image

I feel so impossibly lost these days & I don’t know where to begin from.

My mind’s a mess, my heart’s a mess, & I really can’t seem to concentrate on anything. This is beginning to take a toll on me because it’s ongoing to week 5 of school & I still feel like a complete wreck.

It’s alright to act like everything’s okay, but sometimes I miss my dad so sorely it hurts so much inside. Times like these you learn to cry without shedding your tears, because these moments tend to hit at the most inopportune times in your life.

I feel like I’m living a damned life. It still hurts to see pictures of how everyone celebrated their 21st happily with their families, how they have family days still, and I never got to celebrate mine with Daddy. How could I when he was practically semi-conscious & battling life. God damn it, I shouldn’t even complaining about this, but I feel like my birthday’s damned & cursed for fuck’s sake.

Not ever gonna celebrate it again.

Fear, Strength & Family

by thegoldparachute

Wherein fear lies, strength exists in little cracks, & you need only the courage & endeavour to let it grow

We’ll make this through

Scared

by thegoldparachute

I’m so sick of being strong. I am so scared, so so scared of so many things but I don’t know how to tell this to anyone. Somewhere along the way I’ve forgotten how to voice out my thoughts.

Antibiotics didn’t work for me. I just need it to go away, please just go away. I am so, so scared. I have no one to tell this to.

& I need my daddy to get well soon. It kills me to see him looking older & weaker now. We need something conclusive, & I really hope it’s nothing serious. I am so scared. He needs to get out of those hospital clothes because I can’t bear seeing him in them. What have I done to help him? What can I do for him?

It’s the last 2 weeks of school & all the deadlines, reports, presentations, individual quizzes are weighing so heavily on me at such an inopportune time. 

I feel like I have no control of my life anymore at this point in time.

I am so conflicted. I hate it when the mother goes crazy over stuff and vents it on us. Can’t she see that we are feeling the stress too? & that I have my own personal problems to worry about? Then again, I admire her so much for her mental tenacity and strength.

Please grant me the strength that I need so badly. I’ve forgotten how to be strong.

 

Commiserating vs Reassuring

by thegoldparachute

Why do I sometimes feel like I’ll never ever be good enough? Like I always pale in comparison to someone else, how I’ll always live in the shadows of other people. It’s not just about being ordinary, it’s about being neglected. Being forgotten, ignored, or even not taken seriously when the time calls for it. Is it the way I do it? Is it the way I phrase my words? Such that people don’t place importance or weight on my words? Maybe I’m just meant to be insignificant. A nobody in this huge huge world where everyone’s better.

Where I’m always part of the lesser, the undeserving.

Goals

by thegoldparachute

1. I need to be more frugal. Seriously, the rate I’m spending money? & patronizing Starbucks, which equals expensive coffee/tea.

2. I need to lose weight. Seriously, not even dinner time & I’ve consumed close to 1,500 calories today?

3. I need to be able to run more than 5km continuously. Not even 4 weeks left till the Nike 10km run fml.

4. I need to do my work more efficiently. Oh my god. I’ve spent the whole afternoon consolidating information & doing powerpoint slides for what, a 15% case presentation. 15% only? Damn.

5. I need to lose weight. Yeah I know I typed that already. Fml.

Would you do it

by thegoldparachute

I have this sudden desire to get a tattoo. Like words or some sort, something short & simple inked onto me. I’ll get it when I reach my UGW, kay? If I want it badly enough I gotta work for it. Or maybe I won’t ultimately, considering how my parents would probably fly into  a rage/throw me out of the house/disown me/you get the drift. Hahaha.

I’ve again concluded that I’ll probably end up a spinster or attain a Nobel Prize for being the first human capable of asexual reproduction. Relationships terrify me. It’s not that I’ve got loads of experience, in fact, I’ve got none, but I freak out whenever there’s a prospect. When someone starts treating me in a certain way & all I can think is that I’m just not good enough. & then my metacognition starts getting concussed & beaten up when I devote too much of my mental capacity in thinking through it. Like how I’ll still end up alone. How I crave for companionship now but is not willing to give my heart away because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to commit, I don’t want to try. He’ll see how terrible I am as a person & then leave me. & what if he’s just not the correct person? Should I just try now, tell myself it’s okay I can get out of this midway if it’s really not what I want? Is it worth trying? Is it worth the potential emotional rollercoaster during the period of “trying”?

Mindfucked, man. If I were a primate in a forest I’d probably be an outcasted lunatic who hasn’t mated once in her life. Who the f gives so much into thinking about this sort of stuff when it’s supposed to come naturally to you as a person?

Today’s Friday. Please grant me the willpower to start over again, to banish away stupid thoughts, to rid the disgusting lovesick drawl, to seriously start exercising again after a 1.5 week hiatus, & to finish my readings & get prepared for my test tomorrow. May the weekends last forever (I know it’s not possible but just indulge me okay)

So are you gonna text me or not

I really like it when someone pats my head ^^

I’m secretly sickly childish but most (actually, none) of my friends know this. I like to whine & act cute like an idiot once in a while but meh, that’s just not me when I’m not with my sister.

Mmmmm, I’m thirsty right now.