I have this sudden desire to get a tattoo. Like words or some sort, something short & simple inked onto me. I’ll get it when I reach my UGW, kay? If I want it badly enough I gotta work for it. Or maybe I won’t ultimately, considering how my parents would probably fly into a rage/throw me out of the house/disown me/you get the drift. Hahaha.
I’ve again concluded that I’ll probably end up a spinster or attain a Nobel Prize for being the first human capable of asexual reproduction. Relationships terrify me. It’s not that I’ve got loads of experience, in fact, I’ve got none, but I freak out whenever there’s a prospect. When someone starts treating me in a certain way & all I can think is that I’m just not good enough. & then my metacognition starts getting concussed & beaten up when I devote too much of my mental capacity in thinking through it. Like how I’ll still end up alone. How I crave for companionship now but is not willing to give my heart away because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to commit, I don’t want to try. He’ll see how terrible I am as a person & then leave me. & what if he’s just not the correct person? Should I just try now, tell myself it’s okay I can get out of this midway if it’s really not what I want? Is it worth trying? Is it worth the potential emotional rollercoaster during the period of “trying”?
Mindfucked, man. If I were a primate in a forest I’d probably be an outcasted lunatic who hasn’t mated once in her life. Who the f gives so much into thinking about this sort of stuff when it’s supposed to come naturally to you as a person?
Today’s Friday. Please grant me the willpower to start over again, to banish away stupid thoughts, to rid the disgusting lovesick drawl, to seriously start exercising again after a 1.5 week hiatus, & to finish my readings & get prepared for my test tomorrow. May the weekends last forever (I know it’s not possible but just indulge me okay)
So are you gonna text me or not
I really like it when someone pats my head ^^
I’m secretly sickly childish but most (actually, none) of my friends know this. I like to whine & act cute like an idiot once in a while but meh, that’s just not me when I’m not with my sister.
Mmmmm, I’m thirsty right now.
I feel so nauseous & kind of wooly now. Like there’s a stirring in my stomach & I don’t know if this exhaustion is from the accumulated lack of sleep or from the emotional exhaustion that’s been weighing me down these days. Maybe it’s both, maybe it’s neither. Maybe I’m sick. Maybe I’m not. I can’t really tell, & I don’t think this continued pondering’s gonna do me any good.
I can’t get to sleep now though.
Napped for an hour & a half in the afternoon cos I felt so wrecked. Set an alarm to go jogging at 530pm but I just couldn’t drag myself down to it. I’ve lost it today man. My total calorific count today’s probably gonna be like a horrendous 2000 or something. So we’ve been doing lessons on how your ability to exercise self-control actually depletes your cognitive abilities & vice versa. I shouldn’t be coming up with an excuse but since Wednesday yesterday I feel like I can’t think anymore. I’ve been eating emotionally these 2 days & it’s such a vicious cycle. I eat because I’m sad, & I’m sad because I eat. Need to get my shit together & aim to lose another 2 pounds in a week. Please grant me the strength to pull through this rut. I really don’t like how I need the sleep so much when I’m not supposed to be sleeping, & when I finally get to sleep I have this strange fear of sleep. It’s kind of like repulsive. Please make me well again ):
Okay, maybe it’s the alcohol that should be blamed for all this. I’ve never drank that much in my life on Saturday & I finally challenged my threshold, oh god. It honestly didn’t feel like that much when I was drinking it, & I only realized how absurdly insane it was compared to my usual limit when I started becoming a Merlion (i.e, throwing up like one). Downed 2 Martel mixes, 2 cognac mixes, 1 Bacardi melon mix, 1 flaming lambo & 1 jager bomb. All in like less than an hour & a half I think? I spent only $20 though! That was the only upside, hahaha. Think it was the mixing of alcohol that killed me! Never again, Wei Ling. Never will you do this again. It’s so bad for my liver (& calorie count) but okay, we all need at least one of this sort of experiences in our life yeah? -convinces self
Anyway, I haven’t updated this space for close to a month month & hmm, over this span of time loads have happened, as always, & there’s so much to reflect on! School’s getting busier & busier & I’m beginning to feel myself get suffocated by it. Classes are so demanding because there’s always this pressure to speak up & say something useful, or knowing that you have something constructive to say but le wild brain suddenly fumbles up & le wild heart beats like never before. It’s equally traumatizing & taxing, hahaha. & I’ve got 7/8 projects this semester man, what sorcery is this. On a bright note, I’ve been able to speak up a few times…The lecturers always go through their slides so fleetingly & I haven’t reviewed any of them man. Need to start catching up soon. Can’t believe it’s already been 5 weeks of school & recess week is coming in a week’s time.
Okay, this post is getting really long. I’ve decided to leave my ever annoying issue with my self-esteem in another post. Meow.
“Self-love is a balloon filled with wind, from which storms burst forth when one makes a puncture in it.”
I know it’s kind of narcissistic to post a photo of yourself only but I really really like balloons. Explains why I was kind of insanely happy to be holding such a huge bunch of balloons (100 or something?). & I know it’s ironical to put such a quote below an oblivious-with-glee photo but I’ve been feeling kind of down in the rut about myself these days. I mean, I’ve been hanging out w friends & having fun but I feel really crappy about myself. Same old W issue again.
Because it’s a saturday afternoon & my 2nd last day of the 3 month long summer holidays, I’ve decided to spend it lazing around at home & doing pretty much nothing. Although I’ve spent moments during my travel in Europe trying to write up some stuff, I honestly kind of feel like my English standard has deteriorated drastically. It’s like my sentences seem to get all fumbled up, & other than this language rot, I feel like I’m suffering from STM too. Like, honestly. Maybe I just haven’t been thinking enough during these 3 months & my brain’s no longer accustomed to thinking.
So anyway, I was in the midst of reading a thousand and one unrelated stuff in the vast mess of internet junk & came across this book called Paper Towns by John Green. Skimmed through a few reviews & it looks so damn interesting. Gonna be pretty hard looking for a paperback copy in book stores though cos it was published in 2008.
I used to be such a huge fan of book reading when I was young, & then when I got older it grew to become more of reading fanfiction online (both the thought-provoking & trashy kind) instead of books. The genre of fiction that appeals to me has changed completely – I don’t like reading books plainly about romance anymore because I get enough in fanfics. Instead, I like reading books to do with cultural/political/patriarchal issues. Maybe I was affected by the Joy Luck Club book we studied for our O Level literature exam in more ways than one because ever since then, I’ve developed a liking for similar types of books. The latest read that I picked up at Kinokuniya is Dreams of Joy by Lisa See, & “Joy” has a double meaning because it is also the name of the girl who’s lived in LA all her life but goes back to find her Chinese father & roots during the communist period. I never finished the book though, & that’s one of the bad habits that I’ve developed along the way. Rah.
I’ve lost my train of thought so uh, here are a few interesting quotes that intrigued me as I was browsing through reviews for Paper Towns. Some food for thought:
“The town was paper but the memories were not”
“It is so hard to leave – until you leave, and then it is the easiest goddamn thing in the world”
“That’s always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people want to be around someone because they’re pretty. It’s like picking your breakfeast cereals based on color instead of taste.”
“Maybe its like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen – these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And its only that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.”
“I’m starting to realize that people lack good mirrors. It’s so hard for anyone to show us how we look, & so hard for us to show anyone how we feel.”
“My days had a pleasant identicalness about them. I had always liked that: I liked routine. I liked being bored. I didn’t want to but I did.”
& my favourites:
“I always thought of it like you said, that all the strings inside him broke. But there are a thousand ways to look at it: maybe the strings break, or maybe our ships sink, or maybe we’re grass—our roots so interdependent that no one is dead as long as someone is alive. We don’t suffer from a shortage of metaphors, is what I mean. But you have to be careful which metaphor you choose, because it matters. If you choose the strings, then you’re imagining a world in which you can become irreparably broken. If you choose the grass, you’re saying that we are all infinitely interconnected, that we can use these root systems not only to understand one another but to become one another. The metaphors have implications. Do you know what I mean?”
“For the longest time, it felt kind of like my chest was cracking open, but not precisely in an unpleasant way.”
So it’s been about 2 months since I’ve updated this space & so much has happened, including my 1 month trip in Europe for almost the whole month of June. Gonna find a day next week before school starts to write about everything & anything I want to remember. Some memories are just better kept in words & pictures.
Observing things that I usually don’t take the time to. Makes one realize that it rly is these little things that makes life meaningful. Like my mum cutting her hair. And the elderly man who has such little hair to cut already but comes into the salon anyway. Mmm.
Mmmm. It’s that kind of positive feeling you get when you read about something that inspires you. Something that invigorates you & makes you want to become a better person. Funny how just reading the daily crunch of someone’s life can invoke such feelings in me.
I always have this kind of strange days where I decide to take control of my life all over again. It’s a recurring cycle – I get this empowering feeling (usually when I finally drop 1 pound or something), then I lose it maybe about 1.5 weeks later (usually when I check the weighing scale & realize it’s gone up after going down), then I try to pick myself up again. I mean, life is whole lot more about other things but recently, I’ve let the weighing scale decide my moods.
It’s unhealthy. I should stop doing this to myself, sigh. Makes me wonder if I’ll finally be happy after losing even more weight. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy, though, because you can never be fully satisfied with yourself.
I mean, I do derive happiness along the way from other small little things in life every day. It’s that my mind is continuously fixated about certain stuffs & sometimes I just don’t get enough will or determination to do it. Not gonna tell myself that it’s being weak though. At least I do try.
Mmmm. Finals for the semester are coming up ahead & I’m not gonna force myself to run/exercise like mad/do crunches every day or that sort. Mentally draining if you ask me. (yes it is when you’re counting calories for every meal or fighting mental battles when choosing what to get for dinner/snack/drinks)
Just wanna curl up in bed with a good book and soak in some sunshine & happiness. I’m looking forward to the summer holidays (: I hope it’ll be good.
I feel really, really tired these days for no rhyme or reason. I just wanna sleep away my entire night/morning, the afternoons aren’t too bad though. Think I’m having some escapist inclinations or something. Y’know, just like how it is when people do not want to face up to whatever things are, so they try to put themselves in a state where they are away or unconscious from it all. Need to gear myself up and make it go away as soon as possible. Need to be ready to fight the new school semester.
Honestly honestly wished I had been brave enough & decided to go ahead & take a gap semester. School really, really sucks. The modules, the lecturers, the people. Taking a 6 month-break & doing an internship would’ve been more ideal.
Was supposed to go clubbing tonight! Failed, however. Tiff & I, either one of us, will just happen to have mumsy issues that night & we’d have to call it off. Slightly disappointed, but I totally understand her plight. Guess this means more rest considering I have 2 lectures from 9am-1pm tomorrow. Kind of miss clubbing without inhibitions.
I’ve officially decided that I do not like clubbing at Zouk. People will probably think I’m nuts because it’s supposed to be The Nus Hangout, but that’s exactly the reason why I dislike it. Anything goes wrong & there’re a million eyes watching you. Everybody would know. Besides, it’s not funny when people you meet at awkward situations there end up in your classes & all. It’s just, awkward! Please let it stop happening to me. 2nd time already, I swear!
Why are my eyes so tired already! & I really hate DSC. I hate Business Analytics, statistics, whatever. I need someone to tutor me/give me motivation for this stupid module :(
Emotionally available. Unoccupied. Unconfused. Available. -convinces self. Why is this so hard? Or maybe I’m just overthinking my own thoughts.
So yeah I went to see the doctor yesterday & thankfully, it wasn’t anything too serious considering the pains/nausea that I’ve been feeling. He put me on a course of antibiotics & oh my god, he diagnosed it so quickly that I was doubtful of it. Went to google it & it seems correct though!
Missed my first lecture of the semester yesterday because it was at 9am. Way too early, & I decided that seeing a doctor was more necessary than travelling for a total of 3hours + to & fro just for a 1.5 hour lesson. It’s the start of the sem & I’m lagging already, great. Ah well. Please grant me more discipline this sem!
Went to run yesterday! I’m not supposed to do anything to overexert myself but I guess running should be fine. Wondering if I should go again later before my class at 3pm. It’s so hard dragging my ass out these days.
My sister bought apples for me last night ^^ So cute right, hehehe. She was having her CCA tryouts & after her long day, she went to the supermarket just to get apples ‘cos she remembered that the night before, I was looking for apples. Coincidentally, I bought apples earlier in the day & now we have 10 apples at home. Hee happiness ^^
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but also withered. Maybe I should move on. It’s time for me to move on to someone else. I don’t know why I’m always like that, clinging on to things, people & issues of the past. & once my heart gets hooked it’s just so difficult to let go no matter how insignificant it may have been initially. Just gotta always remember those quotes that I see from time to time on Tumblr. Half the time, we’re pining for people who wouldn’t even give more than just a care for us.
False alarms and false starts / All made better by the sound of your heart / All the pain of the last time / I prayed so hard it was the last time