wanderlust

Tag: love

Tradeoffs

by thegoldparachute

“You can’t remember the last time you did something that scared you or put yourself there so you could get hurt. You have a protective shell so people can’t cause you pain anymore. You’re realizing, however, that by protecting yourself from hurt, you’re also closing yourself off to love. The two go hand in hand obviously. Can’t have the ecstasy without the agony.”

Perspective

by thegoldparachute

Because it’s a saturday morning, I’ve taken the liberty to spend some good time alone today (to attempt to finish up the insane amount of undone work that’s giving me a hell lot of stress).

So I’m sitting alone at a Starbucks outlet that’s too dimly lit for its own good, listening to Les Miserables, typing on my Macbook while trying to curb a very slight feeling of nausea. Feeling extremely fat in my jeans today as well.

This journal’s probably excessively overwhelmed with too much angst & melancholy, but like yeah, who has time to be moaning on online posts when they’re having the time of their lives right.

Within the past half an hour, I’ve felt that sudden urge to start crying and tearing for no rhyme or reason. I’ve been trying to console my friends who have their own monsters to fight, and sometimes I feel really sad that there’s too impossibly much to face in life. I know everyone has different thresholds for hardships and pain, but sometimes I feel like there really is no one I can relate to. Within the past 3 months, I’ve had my father disappear from my life forever, done an operation for the first time in my life, felt extremely worthless, faced multiple domestic issues and problems, and everyday I’m constantly feeling unloved and things like that. I don’t want to be pathetic, I hate to be pathetic, and I don’t tell any of my friends this because I believe I can fight all these away myself. If you don’t help yourself, nobody’s gonna be able to fucking help you because you are your own soldier, your own enemy, your own balm and your own poison.

There may be storms we cannot weather in our glorious lives as humans, but we can take comfort if we know we have tried our best.

I don’t know where my life is heading & these days, I’m unable to control myself emotionally and stop myself from being horribly distracted. It feels like I can’t pick myself up anymore – my table’s messy, my academic life in a mess currently, and I feel so ugly.

How are you capable of loving someone else if you are unable to love yourself?

Would you do it

by thegoldparachute

I have this sudden desire to get a tattoo. Like words or some sort, something short & simple inked onto me. I’ll get it when I reach my UGW, kay? If I want it badly enough I gotta work for it. Or maybe I won’t ultimately, considering how my parents would probably fly into  a rage/throw me out of the house/disown me/you get the drift. Hahaha.

I’ve again concluded that I’ll probably end up a spinster or attain a Nobel Prize for being the first human capable of asexual reproduction. Relationships terrify me. It’s not that I’ve got loads of experience, in fact, I’ve got none, but I freak out whenever there’s a prospect. When someone starts treating me in a certain way & all I can think is that I’m just not good enough. & then my metacognition starts getting concussed & beaten up when I devote too much of my mental capacity in thinking through it. Like how I’ll still end up alone. How I crave for companionship now but is not willing to give my heart away because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to commit, I don’t want to try. He’ll see how terrible I am as a person & then leave me. & what if he’s just not the correct person? Should I just try now, tell myself it’s okay I can get out of this midway if it’s really not what I want? Is it worth trying? Is it worth the potential emotional rollercoaster during the period of “trying”?

Mindfucked, man. If I were a primate in a forest I’d probably be an outcasted lunatic who hasn’t mated once in her life. Who the f gives so much into thinking about this sort of stuff when it’s supposed to come naturally to you as a person?

Today’s Friday. Please grant me the willpower to start over again, to banish away stupid thoughts, to rid the disgusting lovesick drawl, to seriously start exercising again after a 1.5 week hiatus, & to finish my readings & get prepared for my test tomorrow. May the weekends last forever (I know it’s not possible but just indulge me okay)

So are you gonna text me or not

I really like it when someone pats my head ^^

I’m secretly sickly childish but most (actually, none) of my friends know this. I like to whine & act cute like an idiot once in a while but meh, that’s just not me when I’m not with my sister.

Mmmmm, I’m thirsty right now.

Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon

by thegoldparachute

“Self-love is a balloon filled with wind, from which storms burst forth when one makes a puncture in it.”

I know it’s kind of narcissistic to post a photo of yourself only but I really really like balloons. Explains why I was kind of insanely happy to be holding such a huge bunch of balloons (100 or something?). & I know it’s ironical to put such a quote below an oblivious-with-glee photo but I’ve been feeling kind of down in the rut about myself these days. I mean, I’ve been hanging out w friends & having fun but I feel really crappy about myself. Same old W issue again.

Because it’s a saturday afternoon & my 2nd last day of the 3 month long summer holidays, I’ve decided to spend it lazing around at home & doing pretty much nothing. Although I’ve spent moments during my travel in Europe trying to write up some stuff, I honestly kind of feel like my English standard has deteriorated drastically. It’s like my sentences seem to get all fumbled up, & other than this language rot, I feel like I’m suffering from STM too. Like, honestly. Maybe I just haven’t been thinking enough during these 3 months & my brain’s no longer accustomed to thinking.

Hmmm.

So anyway, I was in the midst of reading a thousand and one unrelated stuff in the vast mess of internet junk & came across this book called Paper Towns by John Green. Skimmed through a few reviews & it looks so damn interesting. Gonna be pretty hard looking for a paperback copy in book stores though cos it was published in 2008.

I used to be such a huge fan of book reading when I was young, & then when I got older it grew to become more of reading fanfiction online (both the thought-provoking & trashy kind) instead of books. The genre of fiction that appeals to me has changed completely – I don’t like reading books plainly about romance anymore because I get enough in fanfics. Instead, I like reading books to do with cultural/political/patriarchal issues. Maybe I was affected by the Joy Luck Club book we studied for our O Level literature exam in more ways than one because ever since then, I’ve developed a liking for similar types of books. The latest read that I picked up at Kinokuniya is Dreams of Joy by Lisa See, & “Joy” has a double meaning because it is also the name of the girl who’s lived in LA all her life but goes back to find her Chinese father & roots during the communist period. I never finished the book though, & that’s one of the bad habits that I’ve developed along the way. Rah.

I’ve lost my train of thought so uh, here are a few interesting quotes that intrigued me as I was browsing through reviews for Paper Towns. Some food for thought:

“The town was paper but the memories were not”

“It is so hard to leave – until you leave, and then it is the easiest goddamn thing in the world”

“That’s always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people want to be around someone because they’re pretty. It’s like picking your breakfeast cereals based on color instead of taste.”

“Maybe its like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen – these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And its only that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.”

“I’m starting to realize that people lack good mirrors. It’s so hard for anyone to show us how we look, & so hard for us to show anyone how we feel.”

“My days had a pleasant identicalness about them. I had always liked that: I liked routine. I liked being bored. I didn’t want to but I did.”

& my favourites:

“I always thought of it like you said, that all the strings inside him broke. But there are a thousand ways to look at it: maybe the strings break, or maybe our ships sink, or maybe we’re grass—our roots so interdependent that no one is dead as long as someone is alive. We don’t suffer from a shortage of metaphors, is what I mean. But you have to be careful which metaphor you choose, because it matters. If you choose the strings, then you’re imagining a world in which you can become irreparably broken. If you choose the grass, you’re saying that we are all infinitely interconnected, that we can use these root systems not only to understand one another but to become one another. The metaphors have implications. Do you know what I mean?”

“For the longest time, it felt kind of like my chest was cracking open, but not precisely in an unpleasant way.”

Grace in your heart & flowers in your hair

by thegoldparachute

Image

“It’s beautiful when you find someone that is in love with your mind. Someone that wants to undress your conscience & make love to your thoughts. Someone that wants to watch you slowly take down all the walls you’ve built around your mind & let them inside”

You asked if I believe in love at first sight, but I knew then that I had fallen for your charms right at that moment. It could’ve been perfect & I’m a dreamer, but love just gets too hard sometimes.

When you start feeling like that

by thegoldparachute

Emotionally available. Unoccupied. Unconfused. Available. -convinces self. Why is this so hard? Or maybe I’m just overthinking my own thoughts.