“Self-love is a balloon filled with wind, from which storms burst forth when one makes a puncture in it.”
I know it’s kind of narcissistic to post a photo of yourself only but I really really like balloons. Explains why I was kind of insanely happy to be holding such a huge bunch of balloons (100 or something?). & I know it’s ironical to put such a quote below an oblivious-with-glee photo but I’ve been feeling kind of down in the rut about myself these days. I mean, I’ve been hanging out w friends & having fun but I feel really crappy about myself. Same old W issue again.
Because it’s a saturday afternoon & my 2nd last day of the 3 month long summer holidays, I’ve decided to spend it lazing around at home & doing pretty much nothing. Although I’ve spent moments during my travel in Europe trying to write up some stuff, I honestly kind of feel like my English standard has deteriorated drastically. It’s like my sentences seem to get all fumbled up, & other than this language rot, I feel like I’m suffering from STM too. Like, honestly. Maybe I just haven’t been thinking enough during these 3 months & my brain’s no longer accustomed to thinking.
So anyway, I was in the midst of reading a thousand and one unrelated stuff in the vast mess of internet junk & came across this book called Paper Towns by John Green. Skimmed through a few reviews & it looks so damn interesting. Gonna be pretty hard looking for a paperback copy in book stores though cos it was published in 2008.
I used to be such a huge fan of book reading when I was young, & then when I got older it grew to become more of reading fanfiction online (both the thought-provoking & trashy kind) instead of books. The genre of fiction that appeals to me has changed completely – I don’t like reading books plainly about romance anymore because I get enough in fanfics. Instead, I like reading books to do with cultural/political/patriarchal issues. Maybe I was affected by the Joy Luck Club book we studied for our O Level literature exam in more ways than one because ever since then, I’ve developed a liking for similar types of books. The latest read that I picked up at Kinokuniya is Dreams of Joy by Lisa See, & “Joy” has a double meaning because it is also the name of the girl who’s lived in LA all her life but goes back to find her Chinese father & roots during the communist period. I never finished the book though, & that’s one of the bad habits that I’ve developed along the way. Rah.
I’ve lost my train of thought so uh, here are a few interesting quotes that intrigued me as I was browsing through reviews for Paper Towns. Some food for thought:
“The town was paper but the memories were not”
“It is so hard to leave – until you leave, and then it is the easiest goddamn thing in the world”
“That’s always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people want to be around someone because they’re pretty. It’s like picking your breakfeast cereals based on color instead of taste.”
“Maybe its like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen – these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And its only that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.”
“I’m starting to realize that people lack good mirrors. It’s so hard for anyone to show us how we look, & so hard for us to show anyone how we feel.”
“My days had a pleasant identicalness about them. I had always liked that: I liked routine. I liked being bored. I didn’t want to but I did.”
& my favourites:
“I always thought of it like you said, that all the strings inside him broke. But there are a thousand ways to look at it: maybe the strings break, or maybe our ships sink, or maybe we’re grass—our roots so interdependent that no one is dead as long as someone is alive. We don’t suffer from a shortage of metaphors, is what I mean. But you have to be careful which metaphor you choose, because it matters. If you choose the strings, then you’re imagining a world in which you can become irreparably broken. If you choose the grass, you’re saying that we are all infinitely interconnected, that we can use these root systems not only to understand one another but to become one another. The metaphors have implications. Do you know what I mean?”
“For the longest time, it felt kind of like my chest was cracking open, but not precisely in an unpleasant way.”