wanderlust

Tag: health

Scared

by thegoldparachute

I’m so sick of being strong. I am so scared, so so scared of so many things but I don’t know how to tell this to anyone. Somewhere along the way I’ve forgotten how to voice out my thoughts.

Antibiotics didn’t work for me. I just need it to go away, please just go away. I am so, so scared. I have no one to tell this to.

& I need my daddy to get well soon. It kills me to see him looking older & weaker now. We need something conclusive, & I really hope it’s nothing serious. I am so scared. He needs to get out of those hospital clothes because I can’t bear seeing him in them. What have I done to help him? What can I do for him?

It’s the last 2 weeks of school & all the deadlines, reports, presentations, individual quizzes are weighing so heavily on me at such an inopportune time. 

I feel like I have no control of my life anymore at this point in time.

I am so conflicted. I hate it when the mother goes crazy over stuff and vents it on us. Can’t she see that we are feeling the stress too? & that I have my own personal problems to worry about? Then again, I admire her so much for her mental tenacity and strength.

Please grant me the strength that I need so badly. I’ve forgotten how to be strong.

 

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A certain darkness is needed to see the stars

by thegoldparachute

I feel so nauseous & kind of wooly now. Like there’s a stirring in my stomach & I don’t know if this exhaustion is from the accumulated lack of sleep or from the emotional exhaustion that’s been weighing me down these days. Maybe it’s both, maybe it’s neither. Maybe I’m sick. Maybe I’m not. I can’t really tell, & I don’t think this continued pondering’s gonna do me any good.

I can’t get to sleep now though.

Napped for an hour & a half in the afternoon cos I felt so wrecked. Set an alarm to go jogging at 530pm but I just couldn’t drag myself down to it. I’ve lost it today man. My total calorific count today’s probably gonna be like a horrendous 2000 or something. So we’ve been doing lessons on how your ability to exercise self-control actually depletes your cognitive abilities & vice versa. I shouldn’t be coming up with an excuse but since Wednesday yesterday I feel like I can’t think anymore. I’ve been eating emotionally these 2 days & it’s such a vicious cycle. I eat because I’m sad, & I’m sad because I eat. Need to get my shit together & aim to lose another 2 pounds in a week. Please grant me the strength to pull through this rut. I really don’t like how I need the sleep so much when I’m not supposed to be sleeping, & when I finally get to sleep I have this strange fear of sleep. It’s kind of like repulsive. Please make me well again ):

Okay, maybe it’s the alcohol that should be blamed for all this. I’ve never drank that much in my life on Saturday & I finally challenged my threshold, oh god. It honestly didn’t feel like that much when I was drinking it, & I only realized how absurdly insane it was compared to my usual limit when I started becoming a Merlion (i.e, throwing up like one). Downed 2 Martel mixes, 2 cognac mixes, 1 Bacardi melon mix, 1 flaming lambo & 1 jager bomb. All in like less than an hour & a half I think? I spent only $20 though! That was the only upside, hahaha. Think it was the mixing of alcohol that killed me! Never again, Wei Ling. Never will you do this again. It’s so bad for my liver (& calorie count) but okay, we all need at least one of this sort of experiences in our life yeah? -convinces self

Anyway, I haven’t updated this space for close to a month month & hmm, over this span of time loads have happened, as always, & there’s so much to reflect on! School’s getting busier & busier & I’m beginning to feel myself get suffocated by it. Classes are so demanding because there’s always this pressure to speak up & say something useful, or knowing that you have something constructive to say but le wild brain suddenly fumbles up & le wild heart beats like never before. It’s equally traumatizing & taxing, hahaha. & I’ve got 7/8 projects this semester man, what sorcery is this. On a bright note, I’ve been able to speak up a few times…The lecturers always go through their slides so fleetingly & I haven’t reviewed any of them man. Need to start catching up soon. Can’t believe it’s already been 5 weeks of school & recess week is coming in a week’s time.

Okay, this post is getting really long. I’ve decided to leave my ever annoying issue with my self-esteem in another post. Meow.

Absence

by thegoldparachute

So yeah I went to see the doctor yesterday & thankfully, it wasn’t anything too serious considering the pains/nausea that I’ve been feeling. He put me on a course of antibiotics & oh my god, he diagnosed it so quickly that I was doubtful of it. Went to google it & it seems correct though!

Missed my first lecture of the semester yesterday because it was at 9am. Way too early, & I decided that seeing a doctor was more necessary than travelling for a total of 3hours + to & fro just for a 1.5 hour lesson. It’s the start of the sem & I’m lagging already, great. Ah well. Please grant me more discipline this sem!

Went to run yesterday! I’m not supposed to do anything to overexert myself but I guess running should be fine. Wondering if I should go again later before my class at 3pm. It’s so hard dragging my ass out these days.

My sister bought apples for me last night ^^ So cute right, hehehe. She was having her CCA tryouts & after her long day, she went to the supermarket just to get apples ‘cos she remembered that the night before, I was looking for apples. Coincidentally, I bought apples earlier in the day & now we have 10 apples at home. Hee happiness ^^

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but also withered. Maybe I should move on. It’s time for me to move on to someone else. I don’t know why I’m always like that, clinging on to things, people & issues of the past. & once my heart gets hooked it’s just so difficult to let go no matter how insignificant it may have been initially. Just gotta always remember those quotes that I see from time to time on Tumblr. Half the time, we’re pining for people who wouldn’t even give more than just a care for us.

False alarms and false starts / All made better by the sound of your heart / All the pain of the last time / I prayed so hard it was the last time