wanderlust

Tag: fresh breath

Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon

by thegoldparachute

“Self-love is a balloon filled with wind, from which storms burst forth when one makes a puncture in it.”

I know it’s kind of narcissistic to post a photo of yourself only but I really really like balloons. Explains why I was kind of insanely happy to be holding such a huge bunch of balloons (100 or something?). & I know it’s ironical to put such a quote below an oblivious-with-glee photo but I’ve been feeling kind of down in the rut about myself these days. I mean, I’ve been hanging out w friends & having fun but I feel really crappy about myself. Same old W issue again.

Because it’s a saturday afternoon & my 2nd last day of the 3 month long summer holidays, I’ve decided to spend it lazing around at home & doing pretty much nothing. Although I’ve spent moments during my travel in Europe trying to write up some stuff, I honestly kind of feel like my English standard has deteriorated drastically. It’s like my sentences seem to get all fumbled up, & other than this language rot, I feel like I’m suffering from STM too. Like, honestly. Maybe I just haven’t been thinking enough during these 3 months & my brain’s no longer accustomed to thinking.

Hmmm.

So anyway, I was in the midst of reading a thousand and one unrelated stuff in the vast mess of internet junk & came across this book called Paper Towns by John Green. Skimmed through a few reviews & it looks so damn interesting. Gonna be pretty hard looking for a paperback copy in book stores though cos it was published in 2008.

I used to be such a huge fan of book reading when I was young, & then when I got older it grew to become more of reading fanfiction online (both the thought-provoking & trashy kind) instead of books. The genre of fiction that appeals to me has changed completely – I don’t like reading books plainly about romance anymore because I get enough in fanfics. Instead, I like reading books to do with cultural/political/patriarchal issues. Maybe I was affected by the Joy Luck Club book we studied for our O Level literature exam in more ways than one because ever since then, I’ve developed a liking for similar types of books. The latest read that I picked up at Kinokuniya is Dreams of Joy by Lisa See, & “Joy” has a double meaning because it is also the name of the girl who’s lived in LA all her life but goes back to find her Chinese father & roots during the communist period. I never finished the book though, & that’s one of the bad habits that I’ve developed along the way. Rah.

I’ve lost my train of thought so uh, here are a few interesting quotes that intrigued me as I was browsing through reviews for Paper Towns. Some food for thought:

“The town was paper but the memories were not”

“It is so hard to leave – until you leave, and then it is the easiest goddamn thing in the world”

“That’s always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people want to be around someone because they’re pretty. It’s like picking your breakfeast cereals based on color instead of taste.”

“Maybe its like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen – these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And its only that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.”

“I’m starting to realize that people lack good mirrors. It’s so hard for anyone to show us how we look, & so hard for us to show anyone how we feel.”

“My days had a pleasant identicalness about them. I had always liked that: I liked routine. I liked being bored. I didn’t want to but I did.”

& my favourites:

“I always thought of it like you said, that all the strings inside him broke. But there are a thousand ways to look at it: maybe the strings break, or maybe our ships sink, or maybe we’re grass—our roots so interdependent that no one is dead as long as someone is alive. We don’t suffer from a shortage of metaphors, is what I mean. But you have to be careful which metaphor you choose, because it matters. If you choose the strings, then you’re imagining a world in which you can become irreparably broken. If you choose the grass, you’re saying that we are all infinitely interconnected, that we can use these root systems not only to understand one another but to become one another. The metaphors have implications. Do you know what I mean?”

“For the longest time, it felt kind of like my chest was cracking open, but not precisely in an unpleasant way.”

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Today

by thegoldparachute

Forget your past, forgive yourself & begin again.

Ephemeral

by thegoldparachute

Mmmm. It’s that kind of positive feeling you get when you read about something that inspires you. Something that invigorates you & makes you want to become a better person. Funny how just reading the daily crunch of someone’s life can invoke such feelings in me.

I always have this kind of strange days where I decide to take control of my life all over again. It’s a recurring cycle – I get this empowering feeling (usually when I finally drop 1 pound or something), then I lose it maybe about 1.5 weeks later (usually when I check the weighing scale & realize it’s gone up after going down), then I try to pick myself up again. I mean, life is whole lot more about other things but recently, I’ve let the weighing scale decide my moods. 

It’s unhealthy. I should stop doing this to myself, sigh. Makes me wonder if I’ll finally be happy after losing even more weight. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy, though, because you can never be fully satisfied with yourself.

I mean, I do derive happiness along the way from other small little things in life every day. It’s that my mind is continuously fixated about certain stuffs & sometimes I just don’t get enough will or determination to do it. Not gonna tell myself that it’s being weak though. At least I do try.

Mmmm. Finals for the semester are coming up ahead & I’m not gonna force myself to run/exercise like mad/do crunches every day or that sort. Mentally draining if you ask me. (yes it is when you’re counting calories for every meal or fighting mental battles when choosing what to get for dinner/snack/drinks)

Just wanna curl up in bed with a good book and soak in some sunshine & happiness. I’m looking forward to the summer holidays (: I hope it’ll be good.

Art

by thegoldparachute

Art is a way of seeing the world. It challenges perceptions, evokes emotions and stimulates thought. All great art changes the way we see the world around us, or perhaps creates a new world all of its own. That’s what sets art apart from crafts, which are solely concerned with craftsmanship and aesthetics. 

One moment

by thegoldparachute

Sometimes, all it takes is one special specific moment in your life to change it entirely. It could happen haphazardly (or neatly, even). It could be a conscious realization or an unconscious bud growing at the back of your head, slowly feeding itself into your thoughts in & out. It could be something you have waited for and wanted your entire life, but it could also be the worst nightmare of your life, one you’d die to wake up from immediately but can’t. All it takes really, in many life-changing situations, is just a moment.

So since this is the first post in this fresh breath of space, I shall keep it to something more light-hearted. Let’s talk about Love, shall we?

What exactly is Love all about? I’d like to think that it happens in a Moment. I know many out there would beg to differ, saying that love is built over time & things along that line. I wouldn’t fight that at all since I’ve close to zero experience in actually being in that situation – yes, I’ve never loved anyone for that matter, not anyone unrelated to me by blood that is. Neither do I know anyone who has loved me in that way, I guess.

Well, anyway, my theory is that well, even if love is ‘built’ over a period of time, throughout that entire period, you probably might not have realized that you possibly love that person, right? Until that Moment comes along and plants an idea inside your head – that you might love that person more than anything else, that you’d be willing to give up everything in this world just for that person to love you back the same way, and that you’d fight the world for that person  so long as the words fall from their lips.

I’d like to distinguish between Like & Love, just to make my thoughts clearer about The Moment. To me, when you like a person, this is immensely different because “like” is definitely something that can be built gradually through time or even actions. ‘Like’ is when you feel positive vibes about something the person is doing, whether it’s his or her character, the way they dress, or the way they trip cutely over what they’re saying the moment their eyes catch yours. Liking something is usually a conscious realization and people are usually fully aware whenever they feel like for something. ‘Love’ however, it’s just different. You may like something heavily, obsessively and crazily, but you may not love it.

Love is selfish, but it’s also being unselfish. This sort of line sounds familiar, does it? I figure you can’t exactly say the same if you’re talking about something you like. Probably because love has a tinge of possessiveness to it I guess. I’ve never felt it before, but I think love occurs when you’ve liked someone for really long, and then one day it suddenly hits you that you’d be willing to fight against anything just to embrace that person wholly for what that person is. A genuine willingness to welcome & appreciate everything that person offers, everything and anything good or bad.

I hope that I’d experience a genuine One Moment some time soon because I’ve decided that I need to stop holding myself back. I don’t really come clean entirely with anyone about this (which is why this space is now so precious), but I’m really, really afraid to love. I just cannot imagine myself being so comfortable with someone else and just feeling secure enough to be how I want to be. I cannot imagine someone else loving me the way I am. I’ve imagined this inside my head and always end up playing out the typical scene where I’m just worrying whether I’d be doing anything that could possibly make the person un-love me, to see that I’m just really so, undeserving beneath it all. I’m so insecure that I’d never let my heart be placed on a silver platter out there for anyone to break it. Even if I like that person. This explains why I’ve never came close to actually loving someone else too, for that matter.

You know what they say about you having to love yourself before you’re ready to love someone else? It’s absolutely 100% fucking true.

My thoughts are getting really muddled & I don’t think I can continue anymore. It’s 2:42 am right now & I’ve been running a cold for days. Think I’m going to catch some sleep.