wanderlust

Tag: angst

Pain

by thegoldparachute

The amount of crap and curves life has thrown me these past 3 months is almost more than anything else I’ve ever experienced all my life.

God grant me strength.

My wound hurts so fucking badly right now.

The amount of work left undone since I spent yesterday on the op and today resting is too fucking much.

:'(

Grant me strength, love, and inner peace

Lost

by thegoldparachute

Image

I feel so impossibly lost these days & I don’t know where to begin from.

My mind’s a mess, my heart’s a mess, & I really can’t seem to concentrate on anything. This is beginning to take a toll on me because it’s ongoing to week 5 of school & I still feel like a complete wreck.

It’s alright to act like everything’s okay, but sometimes I miss my dad so sorely it hurts so much inside. Times like these you learn to cry without shedding your tears, because these moments tend to hit at the most inopportune times in your life.

I feel like I’m living a damned life. It still hurts to see pictures of how everyone celebrated their 21st happily with their families, how they have family days still, and I never got to celebrate mine with Daddy. How could I when he was practically semi-conscious & battling life. God damn it, I shouldn’t even complaining about this, but I feel like my birthday’s damned & cursed for fuck’s sake.

Not ever gonna celebrate it again.

Commiserating vs Reassuring

by thegoldparachute

Why do I sometimes feel like I’ll never ever be good enough? Like I always pale in comparison to someone else, how I’ll always live in the shadows of other people. It’s not just about being ordinary, it’s about being neglected. Being forgotten, ignored, or even not taken seriously when the time calls for it. Is it the way I do it? Is it the way I phrase my words? Such that people don’t place importance or weight on my words? Maybe I’m just meant to be insignificant. A nobody in this huge huge world where everyone’s better.

Where I’m always part of the lesser, the undeserving.

Suppressed

by thegoldparachute

There’s so much negative energy within me right now & like always, there’s never an outlet for releasing it. I’m really jealous of those people who get to close their doors, have some breathing space, or just get out of their house whenever they quarrel with their mums. Not like mine. When something bad happens, I’m not even allowed to close the doors and just get time to calm down. Then she’ll come into the room again and corner me with even more biting words, and I can only suppress everything in order to not make things worse. Some people would say I’m overreacting but you don’t know how it feels to have a mom who makes you feel like you’re the worst thing in the world. That you’re the ugliest, fattest, have the worst attitude, and the most worthless shit ever. I know I have a bad attitude, that I’m quick tempered & a bad daughter. I’ve tried to change, sometimes, but suppressing everything when school gets so bad & stressful is impossible. With a mum that constantly stresses you my tempers become worse at those moments. This semester’s just so fucking terrible. 

I’ve never heard of any other mother as controlling as her. Who locks you out of the house on your birthday night just because you went over 11pm staying outside with your friends, even though you were already 18 years old then. Then when she finally lets you in, you quarrel with her, and the cycle of typical violence goes on. I’ll never, ever forget cruel things like that because I’ve always had a secret fear of birthdays after that. That I’ll either get scolded on my birthday, or something bad will happen to me. 

I promise to my future kids that I’ll never ever treat them this way. It’s so scary these days when I’ve so much negative vibes in me that scary thoughts will appear when I’m alone for too long. I had suicidal thoughts just the other day. Like really wondering what it’d be like if I killed myself. It was so scary because I’ve never felt that way without the trigger factor being a quarrel with my mum. Everything was just so overwhelming & I hated myself so much that period of time it just floated into my head. I still can’t believe it up till today. 

I’m going to change. Nobody lives my life for me, & I’m not going to let anyone change me. I’m me, and as long as I’m happy with myself, fuck everyone else. We only live this life once. After crying multiple times over stupid things the past month, I’m gonna promise myself not to cry in the entire month of April. 

Let pain be your fuel to carry on. 

 

Regrets

by thegoldparachute

Every school semester I find myself feeling really upset and heavily disappointed with something. I need to get over this.

Disappointments.

by thegoldparachute

My life has been nothing short of disappointments. I feel so upset that I didnt get offered a place at exchange because of my poor ranking of choices. Plus results of course. And someone said something to me today which is supposed to be nice, she supposed. It kind of hurt me though and I just, I don’t even. It’s just been a really bad day. Lol. I’m afraid of disappointing but I’ve had my own fair share of disappointments as well. Everything hasn’t been going too smoothly for me these days. I want to cry but I can’t and I shouldn’t right? Family issues, being lonely, studies sucking, singing voice turning nasal. It’s just bad. Really bad.