by Thought Catalog
Wherein fear lies, strength exists in little cracks, & you need only the courage & endeavour to let it grow
We’ll make this through
I’m so sick of being strong. I am so scared, so so scared of so many things but I don’t know how to tell this to anyone. Somewhere along the way I’ve forgotten how to voice out my thoughts.
Antibiotics didn’t work for me. I just need it to go away, please just go away. I am so, so scared. I have no one to tell this to.
& I need my daddy to get well soon. It kills me to see him looking older & weaker now. We need something conclusive, & I really hope it’s nothing serious. I am so scared. He needs to get out of those hospital clothes because I can’t bear seeing him in them. What have I done to help him? What can I do for him?
It’s the last 2 weeks of school & all the deadlines, reports, presentations, individual quizzes are weighing so heavily on me at such an inopportune time.
I feel like I have no control of my life anymore at this point in time.
I am so conflicted. I hate it when the mother goes crazy over stuff and vents it on us. Can’t she see that we are feeling the stress too? & that I have my own personal problems to worry about? Then again, I admire her so much for her mental tenacity and strength.
Please grant me the strength that I need so badly. I’ve forgotten how to be strong.
Why do I sometimes feel like I’ll never ever be good enough? Like I always pale in comparison to someone else, how I’ll always live in the shadows of other people. It’s not just about being ordinary, it’s about being neglected. Being forgotten, ignored, or even not taken seriously when the time calls for it. Is it the way I do it? Is it the way I phrase my words? Such that people don’t place importance or weight on my words? Maybe I’m just meant to be insignificant. A nobody in this huge huge world where everyone’s better.
Where I’m always part of the lesser, the undeserving.
“The most important realization you’ll ever make in your life is that we’re all already dead, anyway”
This struck me so hard. We all know the fact that we all end up dead someday, but how many of us exactly accept this fact & embrace its entire meaning in every sense?
1. I need to be more frugal. Seriously, the rate I’m spending money? & patronizing Starbucks, which equals expensive coffee/tea.
2. I need to lose weight. Seriously, not even dinner time & I’ve consumed close to 1,500 calories today?
3. I need to be able to run more than 5km continuously. Not even 4 weeks left till the Nike 10km run fml.
4. I need to do my work more efficiently. Oh my god. I’ve spent the whole afternoon consolidating information & doing powerpoint slides for what, a 15% case presentation. 15% only? Damn.
5. I need to lose weight. Yeah I know I typed that already. Fml.
I have this sudden desire to get a tattoo. Like words or some sort, something short & simple inked onto me. I’ll get it when I reach my UGW, kay? If I want it badly enough I gotta work for it. Or maybe I won’t ultimately, considering how my parents would probably fly into a rage/throw me out of the house/disown me/you get the drift. Hahaha.
I’ve again concluded that I’ll probably end up a spinster or attain a Nobel Prize for being the first human capable of asexual reproduction. Relationships terrify me. It’s not that I’ve got loads of experience, in fact, I’ve got none, but I freak out whenever there’s a prospect. When someone starts treating me in a certain way & all I can think is that I’m just not good enough. & then my metacognition starts getting concussed & beaten up when I devote too much of my mental capacity in thinking through it. Like how I’ll still end up alone. How I crave for companionship now but is not willing to give my heart away because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to commit, I don’t want to try. He’ll see how terrible I am as a person & then leave me. & what if he’s just not the correct person? Should I just try now, tell myself it’s okay I can get out of this midway if it’s really not what I want? Is it worth trying? Is it worth the potential emotional rollercoaster during the period of “trying”?
Mindfucked, man. If I were a primate in a forest I’d probably be an outcasted lunatic who hasn’t mated once in her life. Who the f gives so much into thinking about this sort of stuff when it’s supposed to come naturally to you as a person?
Today’s Friday. Please grant me the willpower to start over again, to banish away stupid thoughts, to rid the disgusting lovesick drawl, to seriously start exercising again after a 1.5 week hiatus, & to finish my readings & get prepared for my test tomorrow. May the weekends last forever (I know it’s not possible but just indulge me okay)
So are you gonna text me or not
I really like it when someone pats my head ^^
I’m secretly sickly childish but most (actually, none) of my friends know this. I like to whine & act cute like an idiot once in a while but meh, that’s just not me when I’m not with my sister.
Mmmmm, I’m thirsty right now.
I feel so nauseous & kind of wooly now. Like there’s a stirring in my stomach & I don’t know if this exhaustion is from the accumulated lack of sleep or from the emotional exhaustion that’s been weighing me down these days. Maybe it’s both, maybe it’s neither. Maybe I’m sick. Maybe I’m not. I can’t really tell, & I don’t think this continued pondering’s gonna do me any good.
I can’t get to sleep now though.
Napped for an hour & a half in the afternoon cos I felt so wrecked. Set an alarm to go jogging at 530pm but I just couldn’t drag myself down to it. I’ve lost it today man. My total calorific count today’s probably gonna be like a horrendous 2000 or something. So we’ve been doing lessons on how your ability to exercise self-control actually depletes your cognitive abilities & vice versa. I shouldn’t be coming up with an excuse but since Wednesday yesterday I feel like I can’t think anymore. I’ve been eating emotionally these 2 days & it’s such a vicious cycle. I eat because I’m sad, & I’m sad because I eat. Need to get my shit together & aim to lose another 2 pounds in a week. Please grant me the strength to pull through this rut. I really don’t like how I need the sleep so much when I’m not supposed to be sleeping, & when I finally get to sleep I have this strange fear of sleep. It’s kind of like repulsive. Please make me well again ):
Okay, maybe it’s the alcohol that should be blamed for all this. I’ve never drank that much in my life on Saturday & I finally challenged my threshold, oh god. It honestly didn’t feel like that much when I was drinking it, & I only realized how absurdly insane it was compared to my usual limit when I started becoming a Merlion (i.e, throwing up like one). Downed 2 Martel mixes, 2 cognac mixes, 1 Bacardi melon mix, 1 flaming lambo & 1 jager bomb. All in like less than an hour & a half I think? I spent only $20 though! That was the only upside, hahaha. Think it was the mixing of alcohol that killed me! Never again, Wei Ling. Never will you do this again. It’s so bad for my liver (& calorie count) but okay, we all need at least one of this sort of experiences in our life yeah? -convinces self
Anyway, I haven’t updated this space for close to a month month & hmm, over this span of time loads have happened, as always, & there’s so much to reflect on! School’s getting busier & busier & I’m beginning to feel myself get suffocated by it. Classes are so demanding because there’s always this pressure to speak up & say something useful, or knowing that you have something constructive to say but le wild brain suddenly fumbles up & le wild heart beats like never before. It’s equally traumatizing & taxing, hahaha. & I’ve got 7/8 projects this semester man, what sorcery is this. On a bright note, I’ve been able to speak up a few times…The lecturers always go through their slides so fleetingly & I haven’t reviewed any of them man. Need to start catching up soon. Can’t believe it’s already been 5 weeks of school & recess week is coming in a week’s time.
Okay, this post is getting really long. I’ve decided to leave my ever annoying issue with my self-esteem in another post. Meow.