A certain darkness is needed to see the stars

by thegoldparachute

I feel so nauseous & kind of wooly now. Like there’s a stirring in my stomach & I don’t know if this exhaustion is from the accumulated lack of sleep or from the emotional exhaustion that’s been weighing me down these days. Maybe it’s both, maybe it’s neither. Maybe I’m sick. Maybe I’m not. I can’t really tell, & I don’t think this continued pondering’s gonna do me any good.

I can’t get to sleep now though.

Napped for an hour & a half in the afternoon cos I felt so wrecked. Set an alarm to go jogging at 530pm but I just couldn’t drag myself down to it. I’ve lost it today man. My total calorific count today’s probably gonna be like a horrendous 2000 or something. So we’ve been doing lessons on how your ability to exercise self-control actually depletes your cognitive abilities & vice versa. I shouldn’t be coming up with an excuse but since Wednesday yesterday I feel like I can’t think anymore. I’ve been eating emotionally these 2 days & it’s such a vicious cycle. I eat because I’m sad, & I’m sad because I eat. Need to get my shit together & aim to lose another 2 pounds in a week. Please grant me the strength to pull through this rut. I really don’t like how I need the sleep so much when I’m not supposed to be sleeping, & when I finally get to sleep I have this strange fear of sleep. It’s kind of like repulsive. Please make me well again ):

Okay, maybe it’s the alcohol that should be blamed for all this. I’ve never drank that much in my life on Saturday & I finally challenged my threshold, oh god. It honestly didn’t feel like that much when I was drinking it, & I only realized how absurdly insane it was compared to my usual limit when I started becoming a Merlion (i.e, throwing up like one). Downed 2 Martel mixes, 2 cognac mixes, 1 Bacardi melon mix, 1 flaming lambo & 1 jager bomb. All in like less than an hour & a half I think? I spent only $20 though! That was the only upside, hahaha. Think it was the mixing of alcohol that killed me! Never again, Wei Ling. Never will you do this again. It’s so bad for my liver (& calorie count) but okay, we all need at least one of this sort of experiences in our life yeah? -convinces self

Anyway, I haven’t updated this space for close to a month month & hmm, over this span of time loads have happened, as always, & there’s so much to reflect on! School’s getting busier & busier & I’m beginning to feel myself get suffocated by it. Classes are so demanding because there’s always this pressure to speak up & say something useful, or knowing that you have something constructive to say but le wild brain suddenly fumbles up & le wild heart beats like never before. It’s equally traumatizing & taxing, hahaha. & I’ve got 7/8 projects this semester man, what sorcery is this. On a bright note, I’ve been able to speak up a few times…The lecturers always go through their slides so fleetingly & I haven’t reviewed any of them man. Need to start catching up soon. Can’t believe it’s already been 5 weeks of school & recess week is coming in a week’s time.

Okay, this post is getting really long. I’ve decided to leave my ever annoying issue with my self-esteem in another post. Meow.

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