“Self-love is a balloon filled with wind, from which storms burst forth when one makes a puncture in it.”
I know it’s kind of narcissistic to post a photo of yourself only but I really really like balloons. Explains why I was kind of insanely happy to be holding such a huge bunch of balloons (100 or something?). & I know it’s ironical to put such a quote below an oblivious-with-glee photo but I’ve been feeling kind of down in the rut about myself these days. I mean, I’ve been hanging out w friends & having fun but I feel really crappy about myself. Same old W issue again.
Because it’s a saturday afternoon & my 2nd last day of the 3 month long summer holidays, I’ve decided to spend it lazing around at home & doing pretty much nothing. Although I’ve spent moments during my travel in Europe trying to write up some stuff, I honestly kind of feel like my English standard has deteriorated drastically. It’s like my sentences seem to get all fumbled up, & other than this language rot, I feel like I’m suffering from STM too. Like, honestly. Maybe I just haven’t been thinking enough during these 3 months & my brain’s no longer accustomed to thinking.
So anyway, I was in the midst of reading a thousand and one unrelated stuff in the vast mess of internet junk & came across this book called Paper Towns by John Green. Skimmed through a few reviews & it looks so damn interesting. Gonna be pretty hard looking for a paperback copy in book stores though cos it was published in 2008.
I used to be such a huge fan of book reading when I was young, & then when I got older it grew to become more of reading fanfiction online (both the thought-provoking & trashy kind) instead of books. The genre of fiction that appeals to me has changed completely – I don’t like reading books plainly about romance anymore because I get enough in fanfics. Instead, I like reading books to do with cultural/political/patriarchal issues. Maybe I was affected by the Joy Luck Club book we studied for our O Level literature exam in more ways than one because ever since then, I’ve developed a liking for similar types of books. The latest read that I picked up at Kinokuniya is Dreams of Joy by Lisa See, & “Joy” has a double meaning because it is also the name of the girl who’s lived in LA all her life but goes back to find her Chinese father & roots during the communist period. I never finished the book though, & that’s one of the bad habits that I’ve developed along the way. Rah.
I’ve lost my train of thought so uh, here are a few interesting quotes that intrigued me as I was browsing through reviews for Paper Towns. Some food for thought:
“The town was paper but the memories were not”
“It is so hard to leave – until you leave, and then it is the easiest goddamn thing in the world”
“That’s always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people want to be around someone because they’re pretty. It’s like picking your breakfeast cereals based on color instead of taste.”
“Maybe its like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen – these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And its only that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.”
“I’m starting to realize that people lack good mirrors. It’s so hard for anyone to show us how we look, & so hard for us to show anyone how we feel.”
“My days had a pleasant identicalness about them. I had always liked that: I liked routine. I liked being bored. I didn’t want to but I did.”
& my favourites:
“I always thought of it like you said, that all the strings inside him broke. But there are a thousand ways to look at it: maybe the strings break, or maybe our ships sink, or maybe we’re grass—our roots so interdependent that no one is dead as long as someone is alive. We don’t suffer from a shortage of metaphors, is what I mean. But you have to be careful which metaphor you choose, because it matters. If you choose the strings, then you’re imagining a world in which you can become irreparably broken. If you choose the grass, you’re saying that we are all infinitely interconnected, that we can use these root systems not only to understand one another but to become one another. The metaphors have implications. Do you know what I mean?”
“For the longest time, it felt kind of like my chest was cracking open, but not precisely in an unpleasant way.”
“It’s beautiful when you find someone that is in love with your mind. Someone that wants to undress your conscience & make love to your thoughts. Someone that wants to watch you slowly take down all the walls you’ve built around your mind & let them inside”
You asked if I believe in love at first sight, but I knew then that I had fallen for your charms right at that moment. It could’ve been perfect & I’m a dreamer, but love just gets too hard sometimes.
Just came back from Batam a couple of days ago with Linwei, Kelly & Debbie! (the above photo was taken at Kelly’s 21st hee) Headed to Batam for a short trip together on Sunday-Monday cos we finally managed to find a time where we can all make it, i.e Linwei’s in Singapore & all our schedules are free from work/school. Got a deal online for $69 which included a one night stay at Harris Resort, breakfast, bowling as well as massage. Met at Harbourfront Centre early in the morning & we had Toast Box (& bought bread from Breadtalk for lunch rationing) before setting off! The ferry ride kind of felt like forever actually, more than 45 mins or something. This trip was kind of unique in a sense because it’s the probably the first time my friends packed more than me & were more conscious/worried about motion sickness than me HAHAHA. I used to be quite prone to air sickness (not so much of seasick) until I finally got over it. The 3 of them were talking about how they’re worried they’d get seasick & how Lin Wei & Kelly didn’t want to look at the water when the ferry started moving. Realized that we actually have more in common than I realized awww.
Harris Resort was actually pretty cosy & nice, kinda on the old side but luckily we were given rooms in the Trendy wing, which is the new wing with awesome & clean rooms. Bunked in w Linwei while Kelly & Debbie took the other room! Our rooms were adjoined hehe & the king sized bed was so excessively comfortable (which will explain a later part of the post). Couldn’t check in yet cos we had to wait until 2pm (Batam’s time is 1hr behind Singapore’s) so we went bowling first! Was pretty fun hehe, the bowling balls that we chose somehow ended up all pinkish/red maybe cos they were the 8-10 pound ones. Finished one round so quickly so we decided to try the air shooting since we had plenty of time! The rifle was so flipping heavy so we preferred using the hand gun. It was much easier to shoot with the rifle though because of the aiming aid. The shooting targets had differing difficulties depending on the width of it so they had like cans & all. Debbie & I were trying to shoot down the candles towards the end & we finally managed to. Felt so happy :D The goggles we had to wear kept puffing up with condensation though, it was so humid & warm.
Alright so after checking in we decided to go look for some other activities to do & we settled with the $20 ATV (all terrain vehicle) tour + banana boat + canoe package. We ultimately did not manage to do the banana boat + canoe in the end cos we got too comfortable on the bed on the 2nd day HAHAHA. After a hearty breakfast buffet (which was much better than expected cos we expected it to be kind of lousy) we just crashed in the hotel & somehow none of us had the heart to get up & go out hahahaha. It was the kind of situation where you’re like “since no one said anything maybe we’re all too lazy/still sleeping” so no one said anything until we had to check out of the place at 12pm. Seriously damn epic please, we were lamenting at how horribly lazy we were that morning.
ANYWAY. Main highlight/disaster of the trip was the ATV ride. Quoting Kelly, that was positively “the scariest ride of our lives”. I think the vehicles were horribly under maintained cos the accelerators & brakes were totally not working well. The accelerators were working too fast & the brakes were just completely non-functional. We ended up smashing 3 out of the 4 ATVs we took HAHAHA. The entire episode was both hilarious & horrifying. Kelly was going up this slope we had to go past to u-turn & get back, & just as I thought to myself how she had done it so amazingly, the accelerators failed & she suddenly slid down the slope & crashed into the drain behind. I immediately got off my vehicle & I was just like “I’m not gonna do that shit” kind of thing. So while my ATV was stationary & on brake gear, it suddenly moved & pushed against Linwei’s one which moved as well & suddenly both were out of control. Luckily Linwei reacted fast enough & jumped out of it before it then crashed into the fairly deep drain. Kelly’s engine totally died so the guy tied a rope to hers & dragged it along while Linwei rode pillion on Debbie’s ATV. While we were on the way back, I was blocked by this short broken trunk stuck & had to reverse. The brake/accelerator were both screwed & I seriously flew backward okay. It was supposed to reverse but it flew haphazardly & Linwei said she was screaming “VEGEEEEEE” while I was flying. Thankfully, I crashed into a tree & the flying finally stopped. Only Debbie’s ATV was the survivor.
So after the very horrifying, adrenaline-pumping experience we went to redeem our free massage! I’ve never done one like this before cos we had to remove all our clothing including your bra but not your underwear. It was kind of awkward being so exposed because she even spread the oil over your boobs. Linwei was like “okay let’s make this less awkward by not looking at each other” HAHAHA cos obviously when we’re laughing with awkwardness we’d unconsciously glance towards each other.
For the evening, we got a taxi which we paid S$50 in total to bring us to Golden Prawn 933 for a seafood dinner & then to Nagoya shopping centre! The streets in Batam are so dimly lit compared to in Singapore. Anyway, we ended up shopping around & feeling damn gross because of our oily hair HAHAHA. The massage involved an oil massage part where we were completely smothered in oil from our hair roots to our toes. Felt so embarrassed when we were walking around & whenever saw ourselves in the mirrors. Did some grocery shopping in the supermarket!
Sigh, really really love traveling because you get to see the different kinds of lives in different countries. It was my first time in Indonesia & I’d really love to go back there again :) Love my 4 friends so much too, the bestest table partners in secondary 3 & 4 <3
Shall update about the super happening National Day eve yesterday when I’ve got more energy tomorrow. My ears are still ringing like crazy from the mere 1 hr of clubbing. Super regret it now cos I think the music was exceptionally loud & the ringing in my ears seems to be more disturbing this time round :( I promise to continue wearing ear plugs when I go clubbing in future. Should’ve stuffed some tissue in or something.
So it’s been about 2 months since I’ve updated this space & so much has happened, including my 1 month trip in Europe for almost the whole month of June. Gonna find a day next week before school starts to write about everything & anything I want to remember. Some memories are just better kept in words & pictures.