There’s so much negative energy within me right now & like always, there’s never an outlet for releasing it. I’m really jealous of those people who get to close their doors, have some breathing space, or just get out of their house whenever they quarrel with their mums. Not like mine. When something bad happens, I’m not even allowed to close the doors and just get time to calm down. Then she’ll come into the room again and corner me with even more biting words, and I can only suppress everything in order to not make things worse. Some people would say I’m overreacting but you don’t know how it feels to have a mom who makes you feel like you’re the worst thing in the world. That you’re the ugliest, fattest, have the worst attitude, and the most worthless shit ever. I know I have a bad attitude, that I’m quick tempered & a bad daughter. I’ve tried to change, sometimes, but suppressing everything when school gets so bad & stressful is impossible. With a mum that constantly stresses you my tempers become worse at those moments. This semester’s just so fucking terrible.
I’ve never heard of any other mother as controlling as her. Who locks you out of the house on your birthday night just because you went over 11pm staying outside with your friends, even though you were already 18 years old then. Then when she finally lets you in, you quarrel with her, and the cycle of typical violence goes on. I’ll never, ever forget cruel things like that because I’ve always had a secret fear of birthdays after that. That I’ll either get scolded on my birthday, or something bad will happen to me.
I promise to my future kids that I’ll never ever treat them this way. It’s so scary these days when I’ve so much negative vibes in me that scary thoughts will appear when I’m alone for too long. I had suicidal thoughts just the other day. Like really wondering what it’d be like if I killed myself. It was so scary because I’ve never felt that way without the trigger factor being a quarrel with my mum. Everything was just so overwhelming & I hated myself so much that period of time it just floated into my head. I still can’t believe it up till today.
I’m going to change. Nobody lives my life for me, & I’m not going to let anyone change me. I’m me, and as long as I’m happy with myself, fuck everyone else. We only live this life once. After crying multiple times over stupid things the past month, I’m gonna promise myself not to cry in the entire month of April.
Let pain be your fuel to carry on.