One moment

by thegoldparachute

Sometimes, all it takes is one special specific moment in your life to change it entirely. It could happen haphazardly (or neatly, even). It could be a conscious realization or an unconscious bud growing at the back of your head, slowly feeding itself into your thoughts in & out. It could be something you have waited for and wanted your entire life, but it could also be the worst nightmare of your life, one you’d die to wake up from immediately but can’t. All it takes really, in many life-changing situations, is just a moment.

So since this is the first post in this fresh breath of space, I shall keep it to something more light-hearted. Let’s talk about Love, shall we?

What exactly is Love all about? I’d like to think that it happens in a Moment. I know many out there would beg to differ, saying that love is built over time & things along that line. I wouldn’t fight that at all since I’ve close to zero experience in actually being in that situation – yes, I’ve never loved anyone for that matter, not anyone unrelated to me by blood that is. Neither do I know anyone who has loved me in that way, I guess.

Well, anyway, my theory is that well, even if love is ‘built’ over a period of time, throughout that entire period, you probably might not have realized that you possibly love that person, right? Until that Moment comes along and plants an idea inside your head – that you might love that person more than anything else, that you’d be willing to give up everything in this world just for that person to love you back the same way, and that you’d fight the world for that person  so long as the words fall from their lips.

I’d like to distinguish between Like & Love, just to make my thoughts clearer about The Moment. To me, when you like a person, this is immensely different because “like” is definitely something that can be built gradually through time or even actions. ‘Like’ is when you feel positive vibes about something the person is doing, whether it’s his or her character, the way they dress, or the way they trip cutely over what they’re saying the moment their eyes catch yours. Liking something is usually a conscious realization and people are usually fully aware whenever they feel like for something. ‘Love’ however, it’s just different. You may like something heavily, obsessively and crazily, but you may not love it.

Love is selfish, but it’s also being unselfish. This sort of line sounds familiar, does it? I figure you can’t exactly say the same if you’re talking about something you like. Probably because love has a tinge of possessiveness to it I guess. I’ve never felt it before, but I think love occurs when you’ve liked someone for really long, and then one day it suddenly hits you that you’d be willing to fight against anything just to embrace that person wholly for what that person is. A genuine willingness to welcome & appreciate everything that person offers, everything and anything good or bad.

I hope that I’d experience a genuine One Moment some time soon because I’ve decided that I need to stop holding myself back. I don’t really come clean entirely with anyone about this (which is why this space is now so precious), but I’m really, really afraid to love. I just cannot imagine myself being so comfortable with someone else and just feeling secure enough to be how I want to be. I cannot imagine someone else loving me the way I am. I’ve imagined this inside my head and always end up playing out the typical scene where I’m just worrying whether I’d be doing anything that could possibly make the person un-love me, to see that I’m just really so, undeserving beneath it all. I’m so insecure that I’d never let my heart be placed on a silver platter out there for anyone to break it. Even if I like that person. This explains why I’ve never came close to actually loving someone else too, for that matter.

You know what they say about you having to love yourself before you’re ready to love someone else? It’s absolutely 100% fucking true.

My thoughts are getting really muddled & I don’t think I can continue anymore. It’s 2:42 am right now & I’ve been running a cold for days. Think I’m going to catch some sleep.