“You can’t remember the last time you did something that scared you or put yourself there so you could get hurt. You have a protective shell so people can’t cause you pain anymore. You’re realizing, however, that by protecting yourself from hurt, you’re also closing yourself off to love. The two go hand in hand obviously. Can’t have the ecstasy without the agony.”
Because it’s a saturday morning, I’ve taken the liberty to spend some good time alone today (to attempt to finish up the insane amount of undone work that’s giving me a hell lot of stress).
So I’m sitting alone at a Starbucks outlet that’s too dimly lit for its own good, listening to Les Miserables, typing on my Macbook while trying to curb a very slight feeling of nausea. Feeling extremely fat in my jeans today as well.
This journal’s probably excessively overwhelmed with too much angst & melancholy, but like yeah, who has time to be moaning on online posts when they’re having the time of their lives right.
Within the past half an hour, I’ve felt that sudden urge to start crying and tearing for no rhyme or reason. I’ve been trying to console my friends who have their own monsters to fight, and sometimes I feel really sad that there’s too impossibly much to face in life. I know everyone has different thresholds for hardships and pain, but sometimes I feel like there really is no one I can relate to. Within the past 3 months, I’ve had my father disappear from my life forever, done an operation for the first time in my life, felt extremely worthless, faced multiple domestic issues and problems, and everyday I’m constantly feeling unloved and things like that. I don’t want to be pathetic, I hate to be pathetic, and I don’t tell any of my friends this because I believe I can fight all these away myself. If you don’t help yourself, nobody’s gonna be able to fucking help you because you are your own soldier, your own enemy, your own balm and your own poison.
There may be storms we cannot weather in our glorious lives as humans, but we can take comfort if we know we have tried our best.
I don’t know where my life is heading & these days, I’m unable to control myself emotionally and stop myself from being horribly distracted. It feels like I can’t pick myself up anymore – my table’s messy, my academic life in a mess currently, and I feel so ugly.
How are you capable of loving someone else if you are unable to love yourself?
The amount of crap and curves life has thrown me these past 3 months is almost more than anything else I’ve ever experienced all my life.
God grant me strength.
My wound hurts so fucking badly right now.
The amount of work left undone since I spent yesterday on the op and today resting is too fucking much.
Grant me strength, love, and inner peace
OKAY, NO MORE MOPING. NO MORE YEARNING. NO MORE STAYING BEHIND EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE ELSE.
Even though I’m lagging behind in my studies and have an uncompleted assignment due tomorrow, I will get my ass down to the gym today to run, and then I will bathe, and go out to have lunch, settle my assignment, and then carry on with my group meeting at Sentosa.
You can do this, you can do this, you can do this
Gotta have faith in myself, in my own self-discipline, in my capabilities.
He’s all things bad for me, but I want him so bad. Why don’t I always get what I want :(
I feel so impossibly lost these days & I don’t know where to begin from.
My mind’s a mess, my heart’s a mess, & I really can’t seem to concentrate on anything. This is beginning to take a toll on me because it’s ongoing to week 5 of school & I still feel like a complete wreck.
It’s alright to act like everything’s okay, but sometimes I miss my dad so sorely it hurts so much inside. Times like these you learn to cry without shedding your tears, because these moments tend to hit at the most inopportune times in your life.
I feel like I’m living a damned life. It still hurts to see pictures of how everyone celebrated their 21st happily with their families, how they have family days still, and I never got to celebrate mine with Daddy. How could I when he was practically semi-conscious & battling life. God damn it, I shouldn’t even complaining about this, but I feel like my birthday’s damned & cursed for fuck’s sake.
Not ever gonna celebrate it again.